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Subject: Miss Manners' Guide For The Contemporary Vampire:
Date: Thu, Oct 12, 2000 7:31 PM
From: Vampyre Necator
A friend sent me this, thought I'd share
>1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a
>time.Ê This annoys the Hero and drives him into action.Ê They'll still be
>there when he is dead.
>
>2. There are thousands of people who want to be vampires.Ê Why pick someone
>who doesn't?
>
>3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake.Ê I will
>come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle, a rocket launcher and grenades.
>
>4. When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in discreet
>areas, such as the inside of the thigh, the lower part of the breast, or
>some similar location not requiring painfully obvious alteration of clothing
>or ridiculous accessories to conceal.
>
>5. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a Burglar Alarm with
>an automatic dialer.Ê It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me in my
>"sleep" while he's under arrest for attempted break and enter.
>
>6. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box.Ê The
>elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped
>with claymores designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
>
>7. I will wear a watch, and verify what time the next day's sunrise occurs,
>every evening, before heading out for the night's activities.
>
>8. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans
>and a T-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.
>
>9. I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero.Ê I plan on killing
>him anyway so what's the point?
>
>10. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts, or air vents accessing
>my Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the outside through which
>sunlight can be directed to my Lair using mirrors.
>
>11. If there must be windows, they will be painted over and backed with
>steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something
>through it at sunrise.
>
>12. When I take the Hero's True Love to make her my concubine and eternal
>slave, I will not show her/him off to torment the Hero.Ê That would goad the
>Hero into making an attack.Ê S/he will be tucked away in a quiet room
>watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.
>
>13. I will not transform children.Ê Their bodies will stay the same age
>forever while their minds grow older, and they will become whiny and
>disobedient.
>
>14. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants.Ê Pretty females dressed in
>little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract
>the Hero.
>
>15. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the
>two-bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.
>
>16. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp,
>pointed sticks at inopportune moments.
>
>17. My home will have mirrors, but they will be located in places such as
>the bathroom, where I am unlikely to be present at the same time as the Hero
>or his friends.
>
>18. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly, or hypnotize people
>when there might be witnesses.
>
>19. All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce,
>attack, harass, or even mildly bother visitors staying in the castle unless
>they have express permission from me.
>
>20. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice jug, and
>there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.
>
>21. I will get a good voice coach and change my name.Ê "Hi, I'm Bob," is
>less suspicious than "I... am... Count... Dra...cu...la."
>
>22. I will not associate with vampire theaters, vampire whorehouses and
>prostitution rings, vampire bars, or vampire biker gangs.Ê They attract
>attention.
>
>23. I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location, and when I move
>it will be somewhere distant.Ê I will not return to a previous home for a
>minimum of 80 years.Ê This way, anyone who previously knew me will either be
>dead or senile.
>
>24. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic
>condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.
>
>25. I will force myself to look concerned, rather than hungry, when someone
>accidentally cuts himself.
>
>26. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a
>rather trendy fashion accessory.
>
>27. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a
>confident expression.
>
>28. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks
>will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door.Ê Anyone refusing to
>part with their accessories will be taken into a side room, shot in the
>knees, handcuffed, and chained to the wall, where they will provide lunch
>for my concubines.
>
>29. Crossbows, spears, arrows, and other antique weapons with wood or large
>blades will be banned from the castle.Ê There is nothing wrong with a fine
>collection of rifles and handguns.
>
>30. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major
>spice at that restaurant.
>
>31. All servants, concubines, and assorted slaves will be under strict
>orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.
>
>32. Servants, concubines, and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance
>rule: one mistake and they're dead.Ê I can always create more.
>
>33. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who
>might notice odd behavior in my future concubines and do something about it.
>Ê Thus, when I hit the local all-female school, The Tomboy Who Could Be
>Attractive With The Right Makeup goes first, followed quickly by The
>Misunderstood But Brave Social Pariah, and The Attractive Girl With The
>Heart Of Gold.Ê The good-looking cheerleaders, the sexually repressed
>teachers/librarians, and the oversexed bimbos can wait.
>
>34. All future concubines will be screened and have complete background
>checks.Ê Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from
>consideration.Ê The irony is not worth the risk.
>
>35. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma
>from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.
>
>36. I will not personally finish off the Hero.Ê That is what loyal servants,
>concubines, and assorted slaves are for.Ê Besides, the Hero's True Love is
>probably tastier.
>
>37. All future concubines will be strip-searched for rosaries, crucifixes,
>and garlic before I approach them.
>
>38. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the
>supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.
>
>39. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my
>community, and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends that I will be
>warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.
>
>40. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia
>hit team to take out the Hero and his friends.Ê Let's see that crucifix
>protect them from a hail of gunfire.
>
>41. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I
>will secretly finance.Ê After a few years of modern education they will
>dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will
>undoubtedly be ways to destroy me.
>
>42. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity.Ê I
>don't have any. That is why it is former.
>
>43. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
>
>44. All concubines will save the loose, transparent, flowing silk dresses
>for special occasions.Ê I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in
>leather, which provides more protection so they last longer in a fight.
>
>45. Although firearms are useless against me and the concubines, they work
>quite effectively on the Hero and his friends.Ê Therefore all concubines
>will be armed and taught to shoot.Ê They will use hand and fang in attacks
>only as a last resort.
>
>46. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make
>the absence of blood and presence of bite marks impossible to identify
>
>47. I will not send the bodies (or parts thereof) of former friends,
>relatives, mentors, or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my
>complete mastery over life and death.
>
>48. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my
>apparent age.
>
>49. I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a fellow
>vampire.Ê They have clearly demonstrated they have the ability to destroy
>me.Ê I'll off them when I have the chance, not make it my life's work.
>
>50. As cute as the Slayer is, there are other girls/guys just as cute who
>are not capable of destroying me.
>
>51. More vampires means a lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if I
>really want more of us running around.